Self-Love or Self-Loathing
In early Spring of 2024 - I had reached a level of service to God and my church that I hoped God was pleased with. I served Communion once a month, my wife and I were serving as greeters twice a month, on the same team, and we were involved in the Missions Ministry and are on the VOW Team. (A Ministry for married couples and couples planning marriage.) Yes, it may seem like a lot, and maybe for some it is. But we, my wife and I needed more that Sunday Services and seasonal – weekly Bible study gatherings. Spending much of our time, (we are both retired) in the company of Christ-like people, left less room for worldly and demonic influences and made us stronger spiritually, bringing us closer to Jesus and God the Father.
I dare not forget to mention; I was invited to join a remarkable group of Brothers - ROMEO. This was also sometime in early 2024. These men proved to be a God-send. I am forever grateful for the opportunity and privilege. I have immensely enjoyed the weekly spiritual sharing, fellowship, and the breaking of bread together. This Band of Spiritual Brothers have consistently demonstrated their Love for Jesus, their fellow man and obedience to God Almighty. I am thankful daily to God for putting these men in my path. They have inspired me in so many ways.
Today as I write this, I must still continually ask God for deliverance from my struggles with anger, anxiety and depression. Now, with all thanks and praise to God, I find myself healthier spiritually, mentally and physically. I am also more morally sound. Probably the best thing of all is that I am no longer self-loathing, and do not find myself disgusting. I felt like I was just going through the motions as a Christian. My self-esteem, self-worth and self-Love were greatly diminished – nearly nonexistent. I was also very self-absorbed. That is to say; I was more focused on my personal feelings, interests and shortcomings. I feared I was drifting away from God, as I had done so many times before. (This is a more in-depth testimony.)
So… Here I am now; a Soldier in God’s Army, fighting battles against the evil one, alongside this Strong and Faithful Band of Spiritual Brothers. It hasn’t been always so, however. For years, prior to being blessed by God with this new beginning, I did not Love myself, or even like myself. I lacked self-control, joy, peace, and patience. Actually, I lacked most of the Fruits of the Spirit gifted to us a Christians. I was terribly missing the mark with regards to the teachings in Galatians Chapter 5, verses 22 and 23.
When I finally realized how lost I was, I knew I needed to take action. To be honest and transparent, I’m not a person who often practices the gift of prayer. This is a very big shortcoming. I am very weak in that regard. At any rate, I did find myself asking Jesus for help and the Holy Spirit for guidance.
Why then was I in such a state of being
There was one major reason, I was no longer proud. Please don’t confuse being proud with pridefulness.
Although, there was an extended period in my life when I was very arrogant and felt a sense of selfimportance – I was a prideful man. A consequence of being self-centered and blinded by achievements, praise, rewards and promotions. I spent the first half of my adult life in the Armed Forces. (This is also another story and testimonial.) But, by the Grace of God, I haven’t been ‘prideful’ for a very long time.
So, what do I mean about not being proud? I was unhappy with myself, who I was and wasn’t spiritually and as mentioned previously, I did not Love myself or even like myself. I was undeniably not proud of myself as a man, a husband or a servant of God. I knew and understood the importance of caring for oneself in all aspects. The need for protecting my mind and heart against desires of the flesh and intrusions by evil spirits. And that I was required to treat my body as the Temple of the Holy Spirit. Unfortunately, I was in total denial. I was not caring for myself, nor was I treating the Temple of the Holy Spirit – my body, with respect. I had high blood pressure, my A1C was borderline, and my cholesterol was through the roof. I had difficulty walking without becoming exhausted and found myself with little desire to do anything of a physical nature. I also became aware that the uniform I had worn for more than 20 years no longer fit and might never again. It just hung there in my closet until, I reluctantly and sadly discarded it.
I was 215lbs. Overweight – Obese, constantly out of breath, always exhausted. Why is this significant? I’m a short guy, barely 5 foot 8 inches and my suggested weight at the age of 69 is between 165 to 185lbs.
Not only was I killing myself from the inside out, but I was also dishonoring and destroying The Temple of the Holy Spirit. I felt that God must really be disappointed in me. I was. I was disgusted with myself.
Also, I had made a promise in late 2023 to my granddaughter that I would lose 40lbs before her wedding, scheduled for this past February (2025). I became fearful that my promise and hope of losing the weight was futile. Time is a fleeting thing, and weeks and months can go by swiftly. Procrastination can breed more procrastination and even stress, anxiety, and depression. I was still spiraling.
I don’t remember what day it was or even what month. I do know I was then attending weekly lunches with my Dear Brothers – ROMEO and had been for several weeks. I was also in the middle of a Men’s Bible Study – The Gathering. On this wonderful (unrecorded) day, I recall being filled with the desire to finally make a change. Of course, more likely than not, it was the Holy Spirit breaking through.
I won’t bore you with the details, but I will share this; With the help of the Holy Spirit and the strength from God, I lost 40lbs in 2024. And with the continued strength from God, the unwavering support of my devoted wife and the inspiration I receive from my Brothers-in-Christ, I have been able to stay the course.
Now, I like myself. In fact, I Love myself. I am no longer self-absorbed, ashamed of my appearance and Glory to God, I am coming out of my shell. I am thankful to my God and Jesus Christ more and more every day and I Love and cherish my Church Family. I am now able to demonstrate Love for others more freely as directed by my lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
In the Presence of God
Johnathan began to awake as he slowly opened his eyes. Snuggled next to him under the old tattered and torn blanket, was his wife. She too would soon be awake, ready to start another day. He lay there for a moment listening to the soft sounds of his sleeping wife, Rebecca. His twins, Elizabeth and Jacob not yet six years of age, huddled together under a layer of guilts. They shared a small bed on the far side of the cabin. As his eyes became adjusted to the dim light in the tiny cabin, he noticed the glowing embers in the fireplace. Closing his eyes again for just a moment, he whispered a prayer. Thanking God for his wife and children.
The door of a small country cabin opens and a man steps over the threshold out into the early morning light. Slowly and quietly, he closes the door behind him, careful not to awaken those who still slumber within. Now, outside the warmth of his small cabin, he stands for a moment tightening his coat about him. Turning toward the morning sun, he begins his trek across an open field through fallen snow. Up a wooded hill he climbs, along a winding trail, pushing back snow laden branches. The sudden chattering of a startled grey squirrel gets his attention. The two exchange glances and the squirrel scampers away, up a nearby tree. The early morning sun now casts golden rays of light upon the path, as if to guide him. A Red Cardinal announcing his arrival flies ahead. Crisp is the air - his nostrils are filled with the many scents of the forest. There; the bubbling brook mirroring the path, spills over rock and obstacles – music. Clearing a few fallen leaves from the lush moss bordering the brook, he kneels. With cupped hands he reaches into the cool clear water tasting its sweetness, then splashes some on his face.
Rasing his hands toward Heaven he lowers his head.
“My gracious and merciful Heavenly Father, thank You. Thank You for another day in Your presence, for giving Your only Son that I may be saved from all my sins. So that I would have the most perfect Paragon of virtue and truth – Christ. Thank You for the Holy Spirit - my Helper, to keep me on the straight and narrow. For Your Love and Grace, and for the forgiveness of my sins. Thank You God for the gift of my wife, two precious children and the strength to provide for them.
And Father, although I am un-worthy, thank You for the gift of salvation most graciously bestowed upon me by the crucifixion and blood of Your Son Jesus.
Father, hear my prayer, know my heart. These things I bring to You in the name of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Thank You, Amen."
3 April 2025
Several weeks ago, I began working on, “The Perfect Peace", long before it had this title. From the start, I knew where I wanted to go with this piece but had no idea how to start. So, I just started jotting down ideas, key words and concepts. After a couple of days I had created a paragraph, a draft - a beginning. Then I stopped. A few days passed before I returned to my writing, giving it another try. This is not unusual for me, as I often take days, weeks, months and sometimes years to complete a specific piece of writing. My attention span is not as it once was. A couple of weeks went by before I realized I had not gained much forward momentum. It was put on the back burner.
During this time, I began reading a new book. This book, "KINGS and PRIESTS" written by a Brother in Christ and close friend, Humberto Tomasino had me captivated. A few days later, my wife and I went on an unplanned trip to visit her very ill Sister. During the days we were there, including the return flight, I read several chapters of the book. Returning home, I found that I was filled with inspiration. Inspiration to complete the writing. The follow day, I began writing with a better understanding of how I needed to move forward. Although it has taken me another week to complete the work, I did finally finish it.
The Perfect Peace
While nations are at war with neighboring nations, billions of people the world around, hope for and dream of peace. Not just world peace, but peace within their own countries and communities. Many pray for less malice and bitterness, which even now, lead to the massacre of countless Christians or others not of a particular religious sect or ethnic group. Political and ideological differences threaten to tear apart and destroy, thereby causing internal conflicts, which beget hatred, unrest and discord. Prejudice and prejudgment are the root of much division among peoples.
Sadness, anger and frustration overcome, creating volatile relationships within marriages and families. Children and young adults are subjected to false narratives, not historical facts. They are bombarded with lyrics, images and videos – lies. A lack of self-worth, limited expectations and little respect for humanity and the life thereof – the product. Chaos the norm, strife and worry abound.
There is much anxiety, depression and hopelessness. Many of the morally defeated, seek a way through the darkness - giving in to the flesh, self-medicating with drugs, alcohol and sexual immorality. Silently aching for solace and peace.
World Leaders, Politicians and the Wealthy Elite have turned their backs to the one true God, they worship themselves. Narcissistic so unaware, seated upon an ivory throne, they oppress, manipulate or placate the masses to their own end. Some promise riches or prominence or security - distractions from the truth.
The idea of World or Earthly Peace is considered by many to be a "false concept." They believe that we humans unwittingly sabotage any hope for peace. As we work toward our own self-interests, we create conflict. While we compete for limited resources, we create conflict. By denying equity and equal justice, we create conflict. Through oppression and exclusion, we create conflict. There seems to be no end to the variables that generate unrest and conflict. Simply making "Peace" unachievable.
However, you can rejoice in this; There are numerous scriptures and texts in the Holy Bible, which instruct us, guide us, and give us reassurance that "Perfect Peace" is not only available to us, but also a gift from God. We Christians must accept this precious gift, given to us through the Holy Spirit.
- Jesus tells us in John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
In this world of Lawlessness, Hatefulness, Restlessness, and without Tranquility, what is our responsibility as Christians? What are we to do with the peace we have inside us.
- Romans chapters 12 and 14 tell us, as it depends on us and if possible, we are to live at peace with everyone. We are also required to make every effort to do what leads to peace and to build up others.
- 2 Corinthians 13:11, teaches us that we are to strive for full restoration, encourage one another, and be of one mind and live in peace.
When we are truly led by the Holy Spirit, we are charged with behavior that cannot be achieved by following a legalistic system of laws. We are to live a "Spirit Filled", "Christ Like" life that outwardly reflects the "Fruit of the Spirit" described as, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These things are taught in Galatians 5: 22-23, a letter written by the Apostle Paul to the churches in Galatia.
Although at present, we live in a world filled with evil and without peace, we can take comfort in the promise of a “New Heaven" and a "New Earth," where there will be eternal peace, righteousness and goodness.
Having the knowledge that this mortal body will one day return to the dust from which made, and our soul will return to God, as told to us in Ecclesiastes 12:7, we must, all the days of our lives, share the good news of Jesus Christ and the "Perfect Peace" gifted to us by God.
Throughout much of my teenage and adult years I have been plagued by anger, anxiety, depression, and self-destructive behaviors. I was always seeking a way out of the pit - through the darkness that enveloped me. Even though I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior at the early age of 16 years, I confess; I had never truly understood what it meant to give my life fully to God. Nor did I grasp the truth of being filled by the Holy Spirit. I fumbled at nearly every turn in my life as I tried to find my own place of tranquility - my own since of peace. While writing this, I discovered so much I didn't know about peace, the Perfect Peace gifted to us by God. What it means to live in peace and to demonstrate the peace within us to others.
And so, I wish for you, The Peace that surpasses all understanding.
"The Perfect Peace."
30 March 2025
Note: All scriptures used or mentioned, are from the Holy Bible - The New King James Version.
Solace
No comments:
Post a Comment